**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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