Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
