Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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