you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
