i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
