We won't sleep together?
zippers are such a cool invention
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
