Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I need a burrito and a hug.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
