He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
