Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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