dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
