I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
