She's JV to your varsity
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
