my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
