Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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