Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Drunk is a universal language darling
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
