what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
