I understand Curling. That high.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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