in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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