I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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