rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I lost the right to judge tonight
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
