we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
