As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
ok first of all what the fuck
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
