I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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