trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
