just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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