i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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