Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
