I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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