I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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