Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
