i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
