Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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