wrigley field is MILF paradise
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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