This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
