If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
