I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
