OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
