so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
