I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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