I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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