My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
