I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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