please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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