Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
