You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
