I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
