Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
