Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
