Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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