All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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