it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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