then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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