Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
